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Loss or Gain

When my athletic career as a baseball player was on track in 1960, I was diagnosed with sarcoma (惡性腫瘤) in my right shoulder, which sent me to the hospital. The All-Star Team went to Hawaii, and I went to the hospital. I was really bitter and angry and hurt and outraged, but we didn’t have an therapy (治療) in those days that said you needed to grieve a loss. I was denying it right away by saying I could handle it. “What’s this?” I said. “Just a mastectomy (乳房切除術(shù)) and the loss of an arm.” It was about thirty-five years ago. Then, about twenty-five years ago, I went through another very difficult time. Job loss, loss of a relationship. You know, “Loss, loss, and loss.”

I went to a counselor (心理顧問), Ray Chapman who took me through a grieving process, because I had never grieved the loss of my athletic career, the loss of my physical wholeness, any losses, and he said that goodness could come out of this. After my second meeting with Ray Chapman, I got a job as a mechanic, and I became kind of famous. I was the “One Armed Mechanic,” installing engines and such. It really came back to me then that had I not gone through the cancer, I wouldn’t have become a mechanic and later a hot racer. I also later met a wonderful woman with whom I had a ten-year relationship which led to the birth of my son.

I found that for me, goodness and beauty have come out of deformity (畸形). I still use the words ugliness and crippledness (殘廢). My friends try to tell me that I am not crippled. But what they don’t understand is that I am, and what I have done is in spite of what’s been done to me. I try to remind them that we’re all crippled in some way. I say, “I can’t see what cripples you. I can’t see what you’ve been through. I have an advantage over you, because I see it every day.”

1.The writer was once a basketball player